Scientology's New Uniforms

I joke about scientology. A lot. I partly blame this on watching South Park when I was immature and still in high school. But scientology is absolutely hilarious because they take themselves far too seriously. That is both a high crime AND a sin. By being the epitome of seriousness, it is a blinding neon invitation to poke fun of them.

The leader of scientology (center)
standing on a box

The people working for scientology dress like they were in the navy. But everyone knows that nautical themes are only "in" during the summer months.

Ladies and Gentlemen. Behold! Scientology's 20 piece new uniforms!

Praise Xenu! (click for large)

First impression: Vampires. Not Twilight vampires. I mean old school Dracula vampires. They are wearing capes lined red satin for goodness sakes! Or maybe it's just supposed to be gothy. It's like a kid at the mall trying to be mysteriously cool by wearing dark colors and spending money at Hot Topic, but replace "kid at the mall" with "pseudo-scientific creepy religious organization".

Second impression: Airline stewardesses. Vampire gothic stewardesses. Look at that girl in the center. That's a stewardess from Pan Am from the 70s dressed (complete with bad pantyhose) as a vampire. I am sure someone in a club has done the "Goth Flight Attendant" look before. Also the presence of vampire stewardesses suggests a vampire airline. That is worrying.

Third impression: This is the only time I've seen a non-Aryan scientologist pictured.

Fourth impression: I didn't know scientology had its own magazine. What do they print every month? I can only speculate that it is a woman's magazine, like Cosmopolitan. Skinny models holding e-meters with the electrode cans draped artfully over their breasts. There are articles that tell you how to tame your many alien souls through yoga. Exercise moves include couch jumping. Sex tips for your inner thetan. How not to cry when you deliver a baby. For all I know, dieting tips could include eating batteries and Chloe purses.

Lastly: A two-toned tie? Really?

(click image to read the text)

Moving onto the provided detailed shots, we can see that yes, that is a bucket hat with red stitching. And I wouldn't call a 100% wool swing coat "all-weather". Monsoon season is weather and this coat would not fare well in the Pacific.

A red satin vest is... not what I would call stunning. My friend worked as a restaurant hostess and she pretty much wore the exact same thing except it didn't have a scientology cross on the back. Her vest just had mustard stains.

But seriously, what is the red and black theme? Did they want to dress in all black but needed a pop of color? I just don't know where they would get the inspiration to dress in so much black-


Oh.


Source: Gawker - "Scientology's Creepy New Uniforms"