The worst mascara ever

CoverGirl lash blast mascara is the worst mascara ever. Don't buy it.

Generally I don't do make up reviews because I'm usually far too lazy and too freckly to bother with much make up. I leave reviewing up to people who are willing to try out products that cost more than $5 at the drug store.

But I have to speak out against this crap.

I've seen this mascara recommended in a couple magazines, which is bullshit. Covergirl blows like an industrial fan set at tornado speed.

This fan blows for other reasons.

This mascara sucks because:

• It smells like house paint
• It takes as long to dry as an oil painting
• It smears worse than oil paints
• Seriously, this stuff gets on my glasses, it's that bad.
  
• It doesn't look that great even when you put it on correctly, so it's not worth all the trouble
  

I bought a tube a few months ago. Since I am a penny pinching broke person, I keep trying to use it to get my money's worth out of it, but I'm giving up. There's cheaper and less crappy make up out there that doesn't irritate the heck out of me when I'm trying to put it on.

"Quit blubbering and take your medicine like a man!"

Approximately eighty bazillion bloggers have recently put their two cents in on the war between fashion bloggers vs. mean comments. I hemmed and hawed while writing this article, torn between various positions my multiple personalities were taking.

On the one hand, my inner psychopath laughed at how people thought Sister Wolf was unnecessarily mean? You call that savage? It's not just Sister Wolf. Popular blogs have shut down their comments for comments that mildly critical at best.


Having been raised by the internet and foster parented by Something Awful and Mystery Science Theater 3000, I don't understand. Someone says something less than perfectly nice and that's mean? That's trolling? It's not truly savage unless your comment section is flooded with scat pornography, your MySpace is hacked, your phone number has been posted, your email signed up to every porn list in existence, you are a sent a .JPEG of your house on Google Maps circled ominously, and then Fox News runs a special about it while being obviously clueless about how the internet works.

On the other hand, my liberal bleeding heart sympathized greatly with Sal's message on Already Pretty. No one deserves to have their work torn apart for no good reason. Having your blog and inbox flooded with nastiness is never pleasant.

I sympathize with popular bloggers. Fortunately my small, hardly read blog has a handful of people who I love to entertain. But in the past I have dealt with harassment resulting from publicly available artwork and writing. Pouring your heart into something only to have it viciously attacked is harder to deal with than many of us would like to admit.

Lastly, my internal arsonist screams, "KILL THEM ALL!"


Oh my torn self could not decide.

Then I realized that fashion makes everyone absolutely insane.

Now see, I had to step out of the world of fashion blogs and step into some video games.


You see, Team Fortress 2 has hats. The hats don't do anything, like armor in an RPG might. TF2 hats are amusing and are a rare find. A bunch of fancy pixels causes joy, war, cheating, hacking, delight, and endless frustration within the Team Fortress 2 community. Finding a newly released hat has caused an entire server halt in a temporary truce just so everyone can see it. (Choice lines include: "OHMYGAWD CHECK OUT THE HAT!" and "wow im like a celeb now".)

Clothing and fashion is more prevalent in games out side of Team Fortress 2: Electric Boogaloo. Silent Hill games offer a variety of (admittedly often sexist) costumes for the player to work for. People pay actual money for cutesy dress up items in Dungeon Fighter. The MMPORG centric web show The Guild had an entire second season conflict begin with an item that can change your character's hair style. No one likes it when a teammate grabs that item you really wanted to wear.

You might go, "So what? Nerds get excited over stupid shit all the time."

The point is that everyone, in one way or another, get stupidly excited over clothes. Fashion makes us insane. We lose our tiny little minds over $500 shoes, silk blouses, and anything with the letters Y, S, and L scrawled across it.


I see otherwise rational people pay for a purse rather an overdue bill. People beat each other senseless at sample sales in New York or trample others over half off sweaters on Black Friday. Models starve themselves which causes non-models to starve themselves to death. Some of the slave labor in foreign countries functions thanks to the fashion industry. Yeah, those fake Christian Louboutin pumps you thought about getting? Made by enslaved children with broken, mangled legs.

Since fashion makes everyone stupid and crazy, it makes us hypersensitive. I speculate that's what causes the over-the-top forced positivity from WhatIWore's infamous code of comments post. I can't image that Jessica, who seems clever and cool, is really that sensitive in real life because everyone has to deal with harsh criticism in their daily lives. Then again I'm unlucky enough to have total strangers in the street come up and insult me for my shoes and weight.

So what to do about all this hypersensitivity and insanity on the internet?

Penny Arcade has it right

I'm going to have to ask the bloggers to man up and put things in perspective. We all need to learn how to deal with daily meanness, criticism, and have the ability to the differentiate between the two. Trolls trolls because they get a reaction and anonymity has proved to cause temporary mental deficiency. Human meanness is a fact of life.

I'm not saying lay down and let people walk all over you. But you can't let stupid people get you down. There's more of them than of non-stupid people. You have to moderate comments and learn to ignore emails.

If someone came up to you on the street and said, "You're hideous and you should kill yourself," then you most likely would say, "Fuck you and eat a dick." If someone you knew said, "I like your shirt but your earrings are big enough to set on fire and use in a circus act involving lions," then you'd say thanks and then ignore what they just said as you went about as usual.

We need to stop being crazy about clothes.

Nautical is not a trend

TO: WORLD

STOP CALLING NAUTICAL THEMES A TREND. STOP. THEY ALWAYS COME BACK EVERY YEAR. STOP.

FROM: GLC. FULL STOP


A pet peeve of mind is that every year, every fashion show, every magazine, and every blog talks about how "This year, nautical is a trend for summer."


Sailor inspired stuff is popular every single summer for the past 25 years. It's not a trend just because you don't wear it year round. Most of us can't wear swimsuits year round but you don't hear people call swimsuits a trend every single year.

Dora the Expl- what the fuck?

I am the last person on Earth who gives a fuck about children's entertainment unless I am sitting through it. Generally this is limited to watching Disney movies during my substitute teaching job, Pixar films, and the Transformers cartoon series from the 1980's. Nonetheless, even I know about Dora the Explorer.

The other day while taking a short cut across a store through the toy section, I saw the new 'tween Dora. I did a double take, literally. Back home, I searched online and discovered I am the last person on the planet to know about this.

The market is overflowing with overly feminized toys that instill traditional woman's roles and ideals into children. That's what Barbie and Bratz dolls are for. Once in a while, it would be nice to have a female cartoon figure that doesn't have to be prettied up. Taking away the rare character who is androgynous or - dare I say - a tomboy will alienate a lot of little girls who aren't instinctively drawn to the girly-girl imagery that they are surrounded by.

The old Dora wasn't even what many would call unfeminine or tomboy-ish. She wears traditional feminine colors, wears jewelry, and she was already marketed to be performing traditional female roles. She's unfeminine; she wasn't ultra-feminine.While her old image was closer to that of a normal little girl, her new grown-up appearance appears as an idealized anime-style girly-girl caricature.

A parent quoted in this article says it best:

"One group of parents has started an online petition protesting the change. "What next? Dora the cheerleader? Dora the fashionista with stylish purse and stilettos?" the petition reads. "We can expect it all, because that's what passes as 'tween' in the toy department these days.""

Mostly though, it just feels unnecessary. Mattel has said that they are updating Dora to keep up with their growing audience, so it is a marketing decision. Yet the makeover is so radical that it appears as completely different character rather than the one that has been shaped to be loved by younger children. Why bother changing her so drastically when she is basically being replaced by someone new-


Oh. Goddamn snipers! Those cowards ruin everything.

"Thanks for standing still, wankah!"

Costumes to Avoid: Baby edition

A costume for your baby is probably the last thing on your mind. You're more preoccupied with learning to sleep while standing or finding out just how much fluid volume a baby can hold. So I'll keep this short and show you what you should not put your baby or toddler into.

Boxer costume

The idea of a boxer costume is not bad at all. However, you have to realize that putting boxing gloves on a small child will result in more than one person getting punched in the genitalia.

Captain Kirk costume

You're thinking, "Oh, we could get more than one use out of it if we take him to Star Trek conventions." Please stop thinking that or else your child will grow up to be exaclty like those jocks that bullied you in high school.

Now the two most poorly concieved costumes:

Car Freshener costume

I am speechless.

Woopie Cushion costume

If you put a child in this costume, you should have your kid taken away. Why? Because if you put a baby in a whoopie cushion and take him/her to a party, someone will think it's funny to sit on your baby. It won't be funny for long.

Costumes to Avoid: Girls edition

When I was a little girl, I thought the question "What do you want to be when you grow up?" meant the same thing as 'What do you want to be for Halloween?" I would always answer that I wanted to be a cat or an angel, which left a lot of grown ups confused. I can't explain why I mixed those two up. The logic of five-year-olds is lost once you move past that age.

Anyway, to the little girl costumes!

Sexy Firefighter's Costume

This costume is ok even though it is a "Anything + Female = Sexy!" costume. I am worried that this was listed in the young girl's section.

Gretal costume

Nothing wrong with the costume itself. But perhaps "Hansel and Gretal" is not the best theme to explore on the night you send your children to strangers' houses to ask for snacks. They'll find a delicious house, get kidnapped by a witch, and the next thing you know your son is on trial for manslaughter of the witch.

Hello Kitty Charleston

Flapper + Hello Kitty = ????? WHY???

Cap & Gown Costume

I heard that there are little graduation ceremonies for kids in elementary school and whatnot. Provided you go to the right school, this costume could go double duty. The downside is that your child has to like "High School Musical" and you don't want a child like that.

Plus sized Tracy from "Hairspray"

Ironically, cruelly, (or perhaps appropriately) this costume is available in plus sizes only. Ouch.

Now for something a little different: The Best Costume!

Unicorn Costume

Fuck. Yeah. I love this costume so much that I really wish they had it in adult size. I love this unicorn thing so much that I would wear it around on non-Halloween days, like on Saturday afternoons on a long walk out in public. Business meetings, court appearances, weddings, work days, church. There are no situations that cannot be improved by strapping a stuffed unicorn to your waist.

Most of all, I love it because I saw it in a funny portrait in the Nation Portrait Gallery's Photographic Portrait Prize 2007 (check out some of the other portaits).

Lily-Pea (found here)
by Shara Henderson

Costumes to Avoid: Boy's Edition

Children do not always make the best choices, especially if dressing up and candy is involved. But sometimes parents can make just as bad of decisions.

Wolf Costume

I title this "My First Fursuit: Furry in Training".

Kid's Chucky Costume

If a kid is not old enough to have seen the movie his costume is based on, then he can't wear it. Call me old fashioned but I wouldn't let a young kid see "Child's Play". Then again I seem to be the only person in the showing of "Pan's Labyrinth" that thought someone should not have brought her four and five year old children to see it.

Toilet Costume

While ten year old boys may love toilet humor, actually putting your child in this will cause them a lot of problems later on in life.

Victorian Boy Costume

There is no way in Xenu's name that a child asked to be dressed like this, especially for trick or treating. Either this costume was used for an elementary school version of Amadeus or the world's most unlucky boys were forced into these costumes by their well meaning but misguided mothers.

General Mills' Lucky Charms Leprechaun Costume

This is a costume for a family on the budget. What to dress your child up for both St. Patrick's Day and Halloween, but don't want to pay for two costumes? Never fear. This costume doubles as a leprechaun and a walking advertisement.

Shrek Gingerbread Man

That gingerbread man swallowed that kid whole like a snake! Oh my god, you can see the terror in the child's eyes as he's slowly being engulfed by a pastry!

Costumes to Avoid: Women edition

Women's costumes unfortunately fall into three categories: literal interpretations of phrases, sexy versions of whatever you can think of, and outfits that may double as something to role play in the bedroom.

Trophy Wife

We'll start off with a literal interpretation of "trophy wife". I bet anyone who wears this costume is 1) not hot enough to be called a trophy wife, and 2) will trip over the label that explains their costume.

Adult Dog costume

It's not the outfit; it's the fact she's doing a sexy pose in a dog costume. I am terribly afraid that this appeals to someone's fetish out there.

Sexy Detective

When I think "sexy costume", Sherlock Holmes is not what I had in mind.

Trinity from the Matrix

This borders on "wearing it to appease my nerdy partner's fetish for The Matrix". But failing anything, you do get a PVC outfit that would be more expensive and just as badly made at Hot Topic.

Women's Robin costume

If you're boyfriend requests that you dress like a flamboyant, underage sidekick in a questionably legal partnership, you might consider that your boyfriend is batting for the wrong team.

Princess Leia Slave costume

Now any man with a willing partner can live out the fantasies he had when he was 12 and saw "Return of the Jedi".

Princess Leia

I could repeat the same joke here but this costume is from "A New Hope" rather than "Return of the Jedi."

Wolverine

The costume itself isn't bad. But it was listed under women's costumes, which makes me think of how a woman might wear this to attract a man. Stranger things have happened at Comic-Con.

Sexy Eskimo

If you want to wear an extremely thin and ineffective park with no pants, be my guess. I'm not sure how often "sexy" and "Eskimo" go together but to each their own.

Wanda Wizard costume

Oh come on. It's a sexy Hermione costume from Harry Potter, in a terrible clash of a sexy schoolgirl and a love for pen and paper RPGs. You are not fooling anyone, Wanda. By the way, "Wanda Wizard" would make a great stripper name.

Costumes to Avoid: Man edition

Last week, I wrote about what to keep in mind when planning what you're going to drink yourself sick in. By browsing all the section at Target's website, I can tell you what will be the worst costumes to wear in even the best of circumstances, let alone when you're tired, judgment impaired, and on the run from the law.

But mostly I just want to post pictures of hilariously bad costumes.

Recycling Costume

If you consider dressing as a recycling bin, you are probably the most boring person in the world. From a different perspective, if you are starved for attention, people will be shoving beer bottles and aluminum cans into your costume all night. Negative attention is still attention.

Scottie costume

The idea of dressing as a sexy Scotsman is not terrible on its own. The attractive male model makes it seem like a plausible, if slightly too oily, idea. In reality, 95% of the men wearing this would be obese and shirtless and they will use this costume as an excuse to not wear underwear. Not pretty.

Family Guy's Stewie costume

Uncomfortably horrifying.

Deluxe Optimus Prime costume

A year ago, I made fun of a kid's terrible Optimus Prime costume. This is the even lamer adult version. As kid, you can get away with a costume that is a pair of PJs. You're a child. As an adult, you have no such excuse.

Michael Jackson costume

... Too soon.

Golden Buddha costume

Horrifying, uncomfortable looking, and you will get your ass kicked by Buddhists who don't mistake for a gold, obese version of the Tin Man. It probably also decreases your field of vision which won't help when you're running from angry Buddhists.

Body bag costume

The perfect storm of bad costume ideas. Lacks armholes, non-breathable plastic that creates swamp like conditions inside, inspired necrophilia jokes, and a revolting reminder of mortality.

Beer Pong costume

At first glance, I thought this was a door with beer cups glued to it. Actually, it still looks like a door with plastic cups glued to it. Come ten tequilas into a party, you may think this dude resembles a beer pong game enough to try actually try playing beer pong on him when he's passed out. You will be disappointed that those cups probably don't hold liquid very well.

Sergio Rossi sells weird shoes

Gilt is a special place. It is a place where two day long sales suggest that some people have $5,000 it throw away at a moment's notice. To be fair, they do have really great sales, especially after the end of seasons. even I've managed to buy a couple affordable things and I'm the kind of person who fails at eBay 90% of the time.

We already touched on the absurdities of Gilt once. Yesterday, there was a sale for Sergio Rossi's shoes and bags. Double-u tee eff. There were python boots, goat boots, crocodile everything, and so much more. I picked my favorite three to show you. And yes, those are the prices. And yes, most of these have already been sold out.


A goat haired boot that looks like Cousin It. Rainbow striped crocodile boots. Mink embellished sandals.

All I can ask is, "Why?" I am afraid that the answer is most likely "Why not?" or "cha-ching $$$$$ cha-ching".

Printed tights

I love tights. I have baskets of them in every shade. I love pattern tights too but I stick mostly to safe, normal patterns such as diamonds, argyle, horizontal and vertical stripes, and, in one case, tartan plaid. So I'm eager to share any tights related experimentation, regardless of how gruesome it might be.

Awhile ago, I stumbled across an article on StyleFizz about a French company that is producing some unusual tights. ("Dare to Wear Tights with Printed Veins?") And I only wish I could order some of these so I can creep even more people out in the short period of 6 weeks before Halloween.


I feel split about feeling these are awesome and feeling uncomfortable looking at some of the patterns. Tights with veins on them seem like the ultimate "Fuck you" to varicose vein battling compression hose. On the other hand, the ants make me itchier than a crazed meth addict.


The other patterns include more conventionally pretty (less visceral) elements. Thorny vines and flowing flowers. Ribbons and rain drops. How adorable! The website features a pair of smiling tights. At first glance, I thought they were a reference to Bai Ling's message band aids.

Left: Les Queues de Sardines. Right: Bai Ling

If you are dating a vegetarian, there is no better way to annoy him/her than wearing uncomfortably visceral hosiery. However, it seems the company's website is under construction and I can't read French. I found a cheaper alternative to make your animal-friendly significant other reconsider being with you:

STEAK SOCKS!

Photo credit:
Vein tights, ant tights, and seam tights taken from Style Frizz
Mouth tights from Les Queues de Sardines
Bai Ling's band aids - Go Fug Yourself
Meat Socks - Sock Dreams