Dad... Dad, p-put Mum on the phone!For the past week I've suffered a head cold, sore throat, and a bad case of vidya gayms. That's why I haven't been writing.
Everyone offers post-Christmas sales, including the digital game distributor Steam. As luck would have it, Team Fortress 2 was dirt cheap and... now a week has gone by and I haven't gotten any work done.
I can't help it! Team Fortress 2 feels like being a 10 year old boy on the playground, complete with an unhappy matronly teacher figure yelling at you for you failures. The game combines imaginary guns, cartoon violence, jars of pee, retro-inspired graphics, obnoxious internet memes, and the ability to be a childish dick to other players. It's like playing capture the flag in Pixar's "The Incredibles".
A pornography staring your mother is the secondworst thing to happen to you today.
The game offers a wide variety of locations and games to play. But everyone plays just for the excuse to shoot and stab each other in various classes. You can choose to play:
- The Slapchop Guy with a baseball bat. No seriously, it's Vince!
- Paul Hogan in Crocodile Dundee.
- An overweight Soviet gun fetishist.
- Backstabbing, womanizing, meme favored, cheese eating surrender monkey.
- Every Scottish stereotype joke you can remember.
- A walking flamethrower.
- General Patton
- A morally ambiguous Nazi doctor as The Medic
- A Texan engineer NOT in it for oil
The downside to the game is that you do play with other people. That means that unless you mute the voice chat, you will hear nothing but 13 year old boys calling each other racial and sexual slurs. Thank heavens for the mute option.
On the bonus side, Team Fortress 2 led the rediscovery of a childhood memory: Heywood Banks songs. As a kid, I got to see Heywood Banks perform a couple of times and little me loved it. Thank you, Mr. Engineer for your fitting tribute to one of Indiana's celebrities.
Bonus: How to play TF2
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