Fashion Math: Sweater shorts?

After a bout of Lake Effect Snow and a very cold New Year's Eve, I've apparently caught a head cold right before I have to go back to substitute teaching. Amazing timing,

Since it is so cold, it's only natural that I feel the need to be extra cozy and layer up on thermal underwear and sweaters and six throw blankets. It's January. Everyone feel like that. However, I feel as if Forever 21 hasn't quite gotten the right idea about sweaters...

+

Posh Spice rocking the sweater

=

Sweater Shorts

How to keep warm and look good at the same time: Accessories

Winter Accessories

Gloves, hats, socks, etc. All these winter add-ons are cheap and they can change your outfit every day. Plus they can keep your limbs, head, and other non-torso parts warm.

Pops of color

Remember what I said about winter being dreary and gray? Accessories are easy ways to bring color to the crappy world of winter. If you wear bright enough colors, you may be mistakenly invited to a rave and, between the lights and the dancing, you can easily warm up before finishing you trip to the grocery.

Don’t spend much money on gloves

You will always loose them. They fall out of your pocket, get lost on public transit, or some dickhead steals them at the movie theater. You’ll never recreate that patching pair. So go cheap on gloves.

Cashmere Knit Gloves ... Smile Shark Menagerie Mittens

Cover your damn head! (and be ready to battle hat hair)

Your head never feels cold but it gives off a huge amount of body heat. Your body will sacrifice your limbs to keep warm. If you want warmer hands and feet, be sure to keep your head covered.

This hat owns, even if it looks dumb

Fortunately there’s a wide range of hats. A knitted beanie will do fine but a cloche looks feminine and adorable. A trapper hat or Ushanka* will keep both your head, ears, and sideburns safe from the chill. Failing that, throw a large scarf over your head in a pinch and rock it Babushka style.


For those of you who hate what hats do to your hair, bring a brush and a small spray bottle of detangling spray or leave in conditioner in your purse. Or just shave your head.

Cover your damn ears (if you hat doesn’t)!

My father has Dumbo ears. They are large and they stick out. My dad suffered a light case of frostbite as a child, so now his ears are painfully sensitive to sun, wind, and cold. If his ears hurt, then he gets cranky. It is no fun to be around a cranky Dad. Despite this happening every week, my dad refuses to wear earmuffs. “I don’t need them!” he shouts. At best, he pulls his hat down over his ears. No knit hat is really prepared to protect ears like that.

A good pair of earmuffs will keep you from getting mean with your children. Don’t get the headband kind though. No one looks good in those and they make your hair stick up. A huge pair of fluffy earmuffs will be toasty and will make any girl look adorable.

Panda Earmuffs.... Hello Kitty Earmuffs... Rabbit Fur Eatmuffs

Cover your damn neck!

Scarves are so fashionable that we will wear them in the heat of summer. So put one under your coat, especially if you are wearing anything cut lower than a turtleneck shirt.

The best thing about scarves? They keep your neck free from icy winds and vampires. The second, third, and fourth best things? They are colorful, easy to wear, and cheap.

Lake Quinautl Lodge Scarf.... Fashion scarf

Cover your damn… I mean, keep your feet warm.

Your feet are pretty far away from your body. Blood has to travel from your toasty torso and meaty thighs but you start to loose warmth when that blood get to your body knees and calves. Face it; your feet are far from a heat source.


To keep your toes warm, layer your legs up. Wear tights, leggings, or long underwear under your pants. More heat will reach your feet. Wear wool socks. If get itchy and the though of wool, wear wool socks over a regular pair of socks.

Get a good pair of boots. You want something insulated, rated for temperature, at least mid-calf height, and good traction. Don’t even think of getting the standard ugly Uggs. There are tons of warm boots that actually have shape.


Speaking of which, waterproof your boots!

I own a pair of suede snow boots. I have learned my lesson that hard way.

Get those hand warmers

Know what’s not awesome? Frostbitten fingers. That’s not funny. If you are going to be spending any length of time in the deep cold, break out the hand warmers. You can put one in each of your boot and keep your toes from freezing for the rest of the day. Put one in your pocket to warm up your hands during a long walk. If it’s really cold, put a hand warmer inside your glove or mittens.

There are two kinds of hand warmers: reusable and single use. Reusable ones are, obviously, reusable. They give off heat for 1-2 hours and are reset by being boiled in water. Single use hand warmers get very hot when exposed to air and last approximately 8 hours.

Umbrellas make me want rain

The best thing about rainy days is that you can bring out the umbrella. There are so many shapes, colors, and patterns that get between you and precipitation, ensuring that you will forever have something awesome to cheer up a gray, damp day.

I am including umbrellas in a list of winter things because I get use out of my umbrella in the winter. With snow on the ground, comes sleet. If it isn't too windy and big, fat, wet clumps of snow are coming down, I take my umbrella out. It means a little less snow to brush off.

Clear umbrellas are the best. They look cool and you're slightly less likely to concuss someone walking near you.

Be My Valentine Heart Dome Umbrella

* If you want to wear an Ushanka, do not wear one with a USSR pin on the front. I see a lot of college boys and internet nerds wear their communist hats in the winter and that is no cool, guys. Yes, the hat is so warm that you practically don’t have to wear a coat. Yes, communist imagery is very iconic but it is tacky and insensitive. Just don’t have the hammer and sickle on your forehead.

Don't be this guy.

How to keep warm and look good at the same time: Coats

For the last couple of years, I did not have a good winter coat. I had my light trench coat and a sheepskin jacket. Neither was able to really keep me going in the blizzard-covered tundra known as a college campus. In fact last year, the long winter began to feel like the last act of Diablo II (expansion pack). There were goblins and assassins and winter just took forever to get through. I had outgrown my parka thanks to a late growth spurt. Never again will I make that mistake.

My daily commute in the winter

How to find the perfect coat

Take into account your circumstances

If you live in New York, you will need a different coat than someone in Texas. If you’re in Florida you’ll need something lighter than someone in Upper Peninsula Michigan. Will you be facing cold rain or tons of snow?

Geographic location plays a big part obviously. But keep in mind your life style. Do you spend a lot of time hiking? Or do you drive to work and are exposed to the winter for five seconds a day?

Do your research

When you buy a coat, make sure to see if it’s rated. Many outdoor stores like LLBean have coats rated for how low the temperature can get while you remain comfortable. Many places that sell more fashionable/less utilitarian coats do not have ratings. Surprisingly ModCloth has a rough rating system for their coats.

Favor natural materials….

Thinsulate is over-rated, in my experience. The warmest you can be is when you’re inside a down filled coat. It is like being wrapped in a giant comforter for goodness sake!

Leather, cashmere, wool, and down are good friends to have in the coat business.

… except for waterproofed or wind breaking.

I love down but staying dry is awesome too. That polyester forms a giant plastic bag around that down comforter of a coat, keeping big fat snowflakes from melting on you.


Get more than one coat

I have a lot of coats. Probably too many. That’s ok though. I get all four seasons, plus a few extras when standard spring/summer/fall/winter decide to mix together.

Due to my circumstances, I like to have three: a light spring/fall coat, a heavy winter coat, and a raincoat. Previously I had done fine without the raincoat but now I herd small children around outside while waiting for their parents to pick them up. That raincoat paid for itself the first time I wore it.

Optional but useful: A dressy coat for special events, a second spring/fall coat that is slightly heavier/lighter, one awesome leather coat just so you can be a bad ass.

Get a detachable hood

Hoods are great for keeping your head warm. A really good hood can be closed over your face, like South Park’s Kenny. A hood over a hat will keep you warm through anything. Well, except maybe the freezing vacuum of space but if that was your situation, you would have bigger problems to worry about like depressurization and a lack of oxygen.


Detachable is a must for me. I like having a warm head but I hate that wadded up hood at the back of the neck on long drives.

Make sure everything is long enough

A heavy-duty winter coat should not stop at hip length. But I really dislike knee length coats because I associate knee length parkas with homeless people and Vietnamese exchange students who have trouble with the cold.

The perfect length is one that at least covers your butt, even when you sit down. A cold snowy metal bench is the worst place to put your non-insulated butt. So make sure your coat is long enough.

You don’t have to look like a marshmallow man.

Not very flattering...

I call these coats Marshmallow Coats. I’ve heard terms like Michelin Man and puffy coat throw around too. And North Face jackets might keep you warm on the slopes, they do look like black (or dark green) shapeless blobs. You can do better than that!

Look for details

If you’re going to get a big puffy coat, go for the nice details. Look for quilted patterns, rather that the lumps that look like love handles. Keep an eye out for colored zippers, fur trimmed hoods, and nice textures.

For example, this is my winter coat. It isn't the most flattering shape, but it has a lot of little details to make it fancier than a mega-coat of blackness. Quilted pattern, nice fur trim, and (unseen) gold colored snaps and zippers that contrast nice with the navy. Also since I am indoors, I am sweating to death in this picture.

Look for colors

Winter blows because it is dark from 4PM until about 9AM. The daylight in-between is heavily filtered through gray clouds. And that light, fluffy cake frosting snow? Usually it turns into a gray icy sludge before lunch time.

Winter is generally depressing. Do you know what isn’t depressing? Colors. Really bright colors. Combat Season Affective Disorder by wearing a coat that isn’t black, gray, or dark green!

Brooches

Pin a giant gaudy cheap brooch to your coat collar. The bigger and sparklier? The better.

My stepmother introduced me to the idea of wearing jewelry on the outside of your coat, rather than keeping everything nice underneath it. She has a system too; each of her (bajillion) coats has an assigned broach that she keeps on the collar. I don’t suggest keeping with such a rigid system. Change pins regularly and you'll finally have a use for all those Christmas themed pins your great aunt has gifted you.

How to keep warm and look good at the same time - General Tips

Lucky Strike
Everyone everywhere says that they have the worst weather, wherever they may live. Even if they are from Florida or Hawaii, they will tell you it’s not as nice as you think it is. No one likes his or her own weather.

However I am convinced that Indiana has not the worst, but at least some pretty damn bad weather. We’re a four-season climate situated in the center of a continent and we’re right next to a giant lake. So we get the hottest, stickiest summers and really cold, snowy winters. Chicago people complain about the cold wind that comes off the lake but northern Indiana gets the cold AND a heaping helping of the dreaded Lake Effect Snow that Canadians can relate to.

What makes Indiana so bad is the schizophrenic weather. I’ve read “You know you’re in Indiana when you have to use your car’s A/C and heater in the same day.” Know what? It’s true. We’ve had surprise blizzards in May and sudden 70 degree sunny days in January. Truly our weather is mentally ill. The weather gods are moody and bipolar. If they feel like being sunny and blue skies in the morning, it can easily turn into a hailstorm/tornado combination with eerie green skies during your lunch hour.

Basically, I’m saying that I am fully qualified to talk about how to keep warm during the winter months.

McCall Homemaking Cover

How to keep warm and look good at the same time - General Tips

Favor natural materials

Remember that one dress you got when you were in junior high? It was made of rayon, acrylic, polyester and you thought it was so cute. It probably itched like hell. Remember how it made you sweat through the homecoming dance but the slightest breeze cut right through. Learn your lesson.

Natural fibers are general much more comfortable and are very good at trapping in heat. Wool, cashmere, angora, and silk are great at keeping you warm without making you spontaneously combust because they can breathe. Leather is ridiculously good at keeping the wind from getting to you. Cotton is not the warmest but it is soft and is great for layering up underneath your coat. If you’re not against fur, it is extremely warm but beware that certain kinds of fur, like rabbit, can make you too warm and are better used for accessories or the trim of a coat.

Layer, layer, layer!

Layering is fashionable, so dear reader, you probably know what you’re doing.

Not quite the same thing.

Layering is the foundation of staying warm. Many thin layers traps heat better than one or two thick layers. Layers fill up the gap between you and your coat and keep your body heat from leaking from the bottom, top, and sleeves of your coat. Layering is also useful for when you start to heat up; if you get hot, start to remove or open up one layer at a time.

Indiana’s weather necessitated layering long before all the cool kids started doing it. That’s why all Hoosiers spent the 80s and 90s with a sweater tied around their waist, even if it looked really stupid. We just never knew if it was going to be really cold. And wearing layers was necessary in case a freak bout of heat broke out and you didn’t want to die of heat exhaustion.

Layering has less extreme daily applications. You’re grandmother is always right; movies are always too cold. And your office is inevitable way too hot, when the heater isn’t broken in the middle of winter. The chances of your office being too warm are even greater if you work with someone who is pretty sweaty and malodorous at the best of times.

Cover every inch.

I have fairly long arms. Therefore the bane of my existence is that gap between where the sleeve ends and where your gloves begin. Snow always gets in there, even if I wear long gloves.

Your skin is always giving off heat. If you want to conserve that heat, keep it trapped close to your body. The more bare skin you expose to the wind, the more body heat will be stolen away from the rest of your body, starting with your limbs. Your body knows which parts to keep warm to keep you alive, but it can't keep you comfortable. If you keep your jacket open, your body will work to keep your torso warm while your arms and legs will not receive as warm, toasty blood.

Ice mask, C.T. Madigan / photograph by Frank Hurley

You are allowed to look ridiculous.

It’s winter. If it’s cold enough, no one is going to give a crap about how you look. Want to wear your dad’s giant flannel shirt over your coat. Do it. Want to wear Pete’s hat from “The Adventures of Pete & Pete”? Do it. Your ears will thank you. In the dreary gray of January, break out the neon yellow scarf, Red Riding Hood red coat, and striped green gloves.

Look at those kids from the supremely annoying GAP ads: They are wearing a dozen different things and they are happily cheerleading. I mean, yes they are getting paid but you’d be pretty happy too if you were wearing a bunch of ridiculous crap and were super toasty.



But I still hate the GAP and their creepy Satanic Christmas commercials. This year everyone merely look like they have taken a lot of Ecstasy, instead of looking like rapists.