Stripper Shoes

Dear Victoria's Secret:

STOP

SELLING

HIDEOUS

WEDGE HEELS!

I know you're a lingerie shop, but for the love of enjoyable trashy clothing, there's are better looking stripper shoes out there. Stop selling the ugly ones.

With love,

GLC

Ode to Stilletos; Apologizes to Dr. Seuss

That Christian Louboutin
That Manolo, that Jimmy Choo
I do not like your high heels
I do not want your stilettos

I do not like stilettos
I do not like them in many styles
I do not like them with pointy toes
I do not like them rounded or almond toed

I do not wear them when I walk
or when I attend lecturers or talks
I will not wear them anywhere
I cannot wear them when climbing stairs

I like my toes pain free
I like not falling down
I like being under six feet
I like the shape of my feet already

Clunky heels is my way
And keep 'em short too
I am already clumsy
When my feet are on the ground.


(I know it doesn't rhyme. I'm not a very clever writer. That's I have a blog instead of a real writing job.)

Christmas Shoes

Target has had their Christmas decorations up by the end of September. Many other stores lagged behind, with their holiday displays appearing the week before Halloween. Now that Thanksgiving is nearing, it is ok to indulge in a little early Christmas spirit.

You'll never top this shirt

But how to celebrate the holidays in a new way? Your Christmas sweater from last year shrunk in the wash. Holidays sweatshirts with tress that light up and play music on your chest are reserved for That One Woman in your office; if you try it, she'll get angry and tell everyone that you're copying her style.

You're too cool for all that. You need Christmas themed shoes.

Snow Bunny .... Apres Ski .... Ivanna

Oh Irregular Choice, you're silly humorous ways make holiday shoes look ridiculous and awesome at the same time. You're the magical fairy of ridiculous footwear to people like me who cannot afford crazy runway shoes.

Outfit - Oct. 28

While black is my staple, I'm not a black and white minimalist. Color is my game. I don't experiment with texture or patterns like the lovely Queen Michelle. But I gave it a shot today.

From the front, delicate school girl...

And from the side...

Awesome tights and heels.

The two tone tights got reactions from a few people. My family and friends were surprised when I turned around and said it was such a brilliant idea. (Thanks Chanel for inspiring knock offs!) They are surprisingly thick and sturdy. Bonus? They're reversible.

These heels are a great twist on the regular black Mary Jane. Just high enough to make me look good and not high enough to feel like Chinese foot binding. Great compromise.

Sergio Rossi sells weird shoes

Gilt is a special place. It is a place where two day long sales suggest that some people have $5,000 it throw away at a moment's notice. To be fair, they do have really great sales, especially after the end of seasons. even I've managed to buy a couple affordable things and I'm the kind of person who fails at eBay 90% of the time.

We already touched on the absurdities of Gilt once. Yesterday, there was a sale for Sergio Rossi's shoes and bags. Double-u tee eff. There were python boots, goat boots, crocodile everything, and so much more. I picked my favorite three to show you. And yes, those are the prices. And yes, most of these have already been sold out.


A goat haired boot that looks like Cousin It. Rainbow striped crocodile boots. Mink embellished sandals.

All I can ask is, "Why?" I am afraid that the answer is most likely "Why not?" or "cha-ching $$$$$ cha-ching".

Outfit for August 27

I got my hair did-ed in the first time in two years. In the past, hair dressers have been universally terrible, either doing a decent job but being a terrible human being or being a pleasant person yet making my hair look awful.

I lucked out. A lovely girl not only made me tea while waiting for my hair dye to finish, but she also wrapped my glasses in plastic so I could read instead of staring blankly into fuzzy space for thirty minutes. She chopped off a good portion of the tangly bits at the ends of my hair and dyed it a lovely natural dark red. What an awesome day.

Honestly, I'm not as gloomy as I appear in the above photo.

It was an animal print day. Not only do I have a leopard print scarf and wedge sandals, but not shown is my tiger print Betsy Johnson purse that causes all women to become lesbians and erotically assault me. I honestly don't mind but I won't bring that purse to church anymore.

it's really hard to take a picture of your own feet

I love these wedges and I love this nail polish. These shoes put me above 6 feet and possibly scream, "I am a transvestite!" which isn't helped by the scarf across my adam's apple. Who cares. They are tall and surprisingly comfortable and that's what matters in my book.

Pokemon Wedge Platforms

I would wear these shoes but only if they were Mew themed.


Mew is the only Pokemon I remember because he is pretty cute.

Connections

While browsing Gilt for things I don't need and can't possibly buy, I looked at a sale of Melissa/Vivienne Westwood shoes. They were surprising affordable, with prices that ran from $30 to about $75. Curiously these summer shoes were made of rubber.

Rubber shoes? That sounds a bit uncomfortable if you have sweaty feet but alright, I said aloud to the dog.

Then I saw this.

You have to be shitting me.

Pink, shiny, and rubbery plastic. It's the same color and material they make dildos out of. This shoe probably came from a company that was also processing fake penises. And that made me think of...


'On the dresser, there's a dildo made of the same soft pink plastic as a million Barbie dolls, and for a moment, Tyler can picture millions of baby dolls and Barbie dolls and dildos injection molded and coming off the same assembly line in Taiwan.

Marla looks at Tyler looking at her dildo, and she rolls her eyes and says, "Don't be afraid. It's not a threat to you."'

-Fight Club by Chuck Palhniuk
Chapter 6

Do Not Want: Peep Toe Oxfords

Nine West. Picture from Amazon.com

I do not understand peep toe oxfords.

To be fair, I didn't really like peep toe shoes when they came back in style a few years ago. As a cold limbed person, I thought, "Not only are your toes going to be freezing but a lot of people nasty looking toes." Eventually I realized cold feet don't bother most people, peep toe shoes are actually cute, and I'm just gonna have to deal with people with waaaaay too long of toes, even if their toes are the same length as a normal person's fingers. It's freaky but I can deal with that.

Then oxfords came along. "Aww!" I said in the store, a little too loudly. "Saddle shoes but for sexy grown ups!"

But it seems weird that these two shoe genres have met. Oxfords are very strict looking, like something a stern but unnervingly attractive school teacher would wear in an imaginary pep school. Peep toe shoes are playful and summery, flashing ankle and toe clevage to the delight of foot fetishists across the world. It's two different shoes philosophies that are contradictory and may actually cause a philosophical rip in space and time.

So I just don't get why you get a pair of oxfords shoes and then cut a bunch of holes in it.